Believe, they say
Find something to believe in
I try to believe in friendship
I laugh with her and I talk with her
and I share my secrets and keep hers
We talk about all the people we like and don't like
We talk about boys and our favorite celebrities
We go to the mall together
to the movies together
and I love her with all of my heart
but then she calls someone else "best friend"
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in love
He talks with me and flirts with me
He gives me his jacket when I'm cold
He writes me secret letters and I write him back
and I think he loves me
because I think I love him
but then one day he tells me all about his new girlfriend
and I try to be happy for him
even though my insides are crumbling
He tries to be my friend and I try to be his
and he asks me for advice about girls and I give it to him
but then we lose contact
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in family
We sit around the dinner table
We laugh and talk and make jokes
and I think that maybe this is my home
then we do chores and I sit on the couch and try to be social
Then my mother starts listing all the things I'm doing wrong
all the things I should be doing instead
all the ways I've failed her
and my brother and sister make fun of me
and my dad sits and watches
so I retreat to my bedroom and lock the door
the only place I feel safe
and I try not to cry again
I try to be happy with what I have
and I wait for something to change
and I wait for someone to save me
but I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in life
I get up every morning
I get dressed and brush my hair and go to school
I smile for all the people who pretend to be my friends
I watch them eat at lunch
They try to tell me I should eat too
and I want to, for them
but I can't make myself try
My teachers encourage me to work but I can't focus
My mom warns me about my future
and makes me think about the future
everything is about the future
and it scares me
and I can't eat anymore
and I can't focus anymore
and I can't try anymore
so I retreat to my bedroom and lock the door
and I try to feel safe
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
Believe, they say
Find something to believe in
I tried, I say
I tried to believe in friendship
I tried to believe in love
I tried to believe in family
I tried to believe in life
Now
I try not to think about the secrets hidden under my bed
I try to eat
I try to focus
I try to believe
that maybe someday I'll find something to believe in
but my secrets find their way into my hands
and I look at the locked door
and I look back at my life
and I watch as my pain drips on to my bed
and I realize I am always alone
There is no one to love me
There is nothing to believe in
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
English Video Project
For English III Honors (the junior English class at my high school) my friends asked me to be the cameraman and editor for their video project. They thought it would be funny to write a gender swapped version of The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The quality is crappy at times, but we had limited time and zero equipment, so it's the best we could do. Enjoy!
The Girl Who Grew Up
The innocent child in her angelic white dress
sat with her sister and played games
everyday. Same place, same time, different games.
When her friends came home with her
they asked, "What is that machine for?"
and, "Why does she wear that mask?"
to which the little girl replied, "It helps her breathe,"
because that is what she was told.
She hadn't thought much of the machine until her friends began asking.
Only then did she start to wonder why her sister was different,
why her sister needed help breathing and she didn't
but she wouldn't understand if we told her
so she let the hum of the machine fade into the background
as they played.
Her laughter rung like twinkling bells
and her sister's eyes smiled.
The little girl grew out of her angelic white dress.
She cut her hair and painted her nails.
She wore ripped jeans and combat boots and eyeliner.
She started to bring boys home
and they too asked, "Why does your sister sit by that machine?"
to which she still replied, "It helps her breathe."
But every day at the same time
she stopped and played games wither her sister.
Her hair grew long again and she moved out
and it was hard to move on and watch her sister remain
tied down by the machine
but she did it anyway because they told her to.
Every day, at the same time, she thought of her sister
but only on weekends could she return to play games.
When she found the man of her dreams, she married him
and she got a job teaching kids like her sister.
Every weekend, at the same time, she went to play games
and she told her sister about all the kids she teaches
and when she had a daughter of her own
she brought the little girl with her.
The innocent child, wearing the same white dress that her mother used to,
sat with her aunt and played games.
Her eyes sparkled and her laughter rung like twinkling bells
and she barely even noticed the machine.
Every weekend, at the same time,
she went with her mother to play games.
One day, as they drove their weekend commute
the child turned to her mother and asked, "Why does Auntie wear a mask?"
to which she replied softly, "It helps her breathe,"
and the child accepted this answer
smiling brightly as she played with her aunt.
The woman, no longer a girl,
looked at her daughter with mountains of love
but this time, when she went to visit her sister,
she left the little girl at home.
She talked to her sister and smiled through tears
happy to see her finally freed from her machine.
Her heart ached as she returned to the place where they always played
and the chair where her sister always sat.
This time, before she left, she packed up a piece of her sister in a box.
She took it home and set it up beside her bed
and when her daughter asked, "Why do you have Auntie's machine?"
she replied, "To help me breathe."
sat with her sister and played games
everyday. Same place, same time, different games.
When her friends came home with her
they asked, "What is that machine for?"
and, "Why does she wear that mask?"
to which the little girl replied, "It helps her breathe,"
because that is what she was told.
She hadn't thought much of the machine until her friends began asking.
Only then did she start to wonder why her sister was different,
why her sister needed help breathing and she didn't
but she wouldn't understand if we told her
so she let the hum of the machine fade into the background
as they played.
Her laughter rung like twinkling bells
and her sister's eyes smiled.
The little girl grew out of her angelic white dress.
She cut her hair and painted her nails.
She wore ripped jeans and combat boots and eyeliner.
She started to bring boys home
and they too asked, "Why does your sister sit by that machine?"
to which she still replied, "It helps her breathe."
But every day at the same time
she stopped and played games wither her sister.
Her hair grew long again and she moved out
and it was hard to move on and watch her sister remain
tied down by the machine
but she did it anyway because they told her to.
Every day, at the same time, she thought of her sister
but only on weekends could she return to play games.
When she found the man of her dreams, she married him
and she got a job teaching kids like her sister.
Every weekend, at the same time, she went to play games
and she told her sister about all the kids she teaches
and when she had a daughter of her own
she brought the little girl with her.
The innocent child, wearing the same white dress that her mother used to,
sat with her aunt and played games.
Her eyes sparkled and her laughter rung like twinkling bells
and she barely even noticed the machine.
Every weekend, at the same time,
she went with her mother to play games.
One day, as they drove their weekend commute
the child turned to her mother and asked, "Why does Auntie wear a mask?"
to which she replied softly, "It helps her breathe,"
and the child accepted this answer
smiling brightly as she played with her aunt.
The woman, no longer a girl,
looked at her daughter with mountains of love
but this time, when she went to visit her sister,
she left the little girl at home.
She talked to her sister and smiled through tears
happy to see her finally freed from her machine.
Her heart ached as she returned to the place where they always played
and the chair where her sister always sat.
This time, before she left, she packed up a piece of her sister in a box.
She took it home and set it up beside her bed
and when her daughter asked, "Why do you have Auntie's machine?"
she replied, "To help me breathe."
The Girl With the Porcelain Face
She lives in a world
where she doesn't belong
an alien
she is tossed around
ignored
abused
and it hurts
every breath she takes
sparks a pain in her chest
and it burns
as she watches
love surrounds her
but doesn't touch her
and this world falls apart
She wants so badly to go
the pain is unbearable
but there is one
and they say there are many
but she only knows one
that loves her.
The girl with the face
like a porcelain doll
is the only one she can feel
the only hope that she has
the single reason to stay
If she left
everyone would continue as normal
the world would go on turning
and revolving around the sun
for everyone except the
girl with the porcelain face.
She knows
the girl's face would crack
and her soul would flood with tears
her bright eyes would fade
her hope would be lost
and maybe, just maybe
she would want to leave too
and the pain would find
her chest
and nest there
and she doesn't want that for
the girl with the porcelain face
so she endures the pain
and she stays
where she doesn't belong
an alien
she is tossed around
ignored
abused
and it hurts
every breath she takes
sparks a pain in her chest
and it burns
as she watches
love surrounds her
but doesn't touch her
and this world falls apart
She wants so badly to go
the pain is unbearable
but there is one
and they say there are many
but she only knows one
that loves her.
The girl with the face
like a porcelain doll
is the only one she can feel
the only hope that she has
the single reason to stay
If she left
everyone would continue as normal
the world would go on turning
and revolving around the sun
for everyone except the
girl with the porcelain face.
She knows
the girl's face would crack
and her soul would flood with tears
her bright eyes would fade
her hope would be lost
and maybe, just maybe
she would want to leave too
and the pain would find
her chest
and nest there
and she doesn't want that for
the girl with the porcelain face
so she endures the pain
and she stays
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