Believe, they say
Find something to believe in
I try to believe in friendship
I laugh with her and I talk with her
and I share my secrets and keep hers
We talk about all the people we like and don't like
We talk about boys and our favorite celebrities
We go to the mall together
to the movies together
and I love her with all of my heart
but then she calls someone else "best friend"
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in love
He talks with me and flirts with me
He gives me his jacket when I'm cold
He writes me secret letters and I write him back
and I think he loves me
because I think I love him
but then one day he tells me all about his new girlfriend
and I try to be happy for him
even though my insides are crumbling
He tries to be my friend and I try to be his
and he asks me for advice about girls and I give it to him
but then we lose contact
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in family
We sit around the dinner table
We laugh and talk and make jokes
and I think that maybe this is my home
then we do chores and I sit on the couch and try to be social
Then my mother starts listing all the things I'm doing wrong
all the things I should be doing instead
all the ways I've failed her
and my brother and sister make fun of me
and my dad sits and watches
so I retreat to my bedroom and lock the door
the only place I feel safe
and I try not to cry again
I try to be happy with what I have
and I wait for something to change
and I wait for someone to save me
but I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
I try to believe in life
I get up every morning
I get dressed and brush my hair and go to school
I smile for all the people who pretend to be my friends
I watch them eat at lunch
They try to tell me I should eat too
and I want to, for them
but I can't make myself try
My teachers encourage me to work but I can't focus
My mom warns me about my future
and makes me think about the future
everything is about the future
and it scares me
and I can't eat anymore
and I can't focus anymore
and I can't try anymore
so I retreat to my bedroom and lock the door
and I try to feel safe
and I am left alone
with no one to love me
with nothing to believe in
Believe, they say
Find something to believe in
I tried, I say
I tried to believe in friendship
I tried to believe in love
I tried to believe in family
I tried to believe in life
Now
I try not to think about the secrets hidden under my bed
I try to eat
I try to focus
I try to believe
that maybe someday I'll find something to believe in
but my secrets find their way into my hands
and I look at the locked door
and I look back at my life
and I watch as my pain drips on to my bed
and I realize I am always alone
There is no one to love me
There is nothing to believe in
I really enjoyed loving this, it makes me wonder how many teenagers go through times like those that are described by you.
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ReplyDeleteThis piece so clearly expresses a pain and longing and uncertainty that most teenagers--and I have to say some adults--have experienced. The repetition of the word future in three consecutive lines really emphasizes the worry we feel for what comes next. I still believe in love and friendship and family and that everything will be okay in the end despite have felt this way at times myself.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so well written, and I'm sure many teenagers can connect with these feelings. The feeling of doing what others recommend in their advice, attempting to be included in things that they don't know anything about. Searching for things that people always say you should want/need, but never knowing yourself what that feels like.
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